It’s All About Love




Our expectations in relationship – how much we will allow another to matter, whether it is safe to assert a need, our fears around being loved as we are, the excitement and terror around leading with our vulnerability – originated in a fragile little nervous system that was longing for empathy and connection. The strategies we developed to protect us from inevitable empathic failure arose intelligently at an earlier time to prevent overwhelm and fragmentation in a developing little heart and psyche.

Look carefully and you will see that these strategies are nearby, awaiting reorganization. While they have historical roots, they are re-enacted in the here and now, and require maintenance for their survival. In this sense, there is no past. The implications of this rewiring are earth-shattering. To dissolve the dream of unworthiness is a radical act that will change everything. One world will end, without any knowing of what will come next.

This is risky. But we sense that it is the doorway into aliveness, and into the intimacy and connection that we so long for. And that the alternative is feeling half-alive, a bit flat, not quite here, intuiting the miracle that is available just beyond the veil.

Our neural pathways are tender, open, and responsive, as we seek attuned, right brain-to-right brain resonance with those around us. We want to feel felt, to have our subjective experience held and mirrored, and for the space in which we can explore unstructured states of being. To rest in the mystery of what we are.

While the encoding of shame, unworthiness, and abandonment is deeply embedded, it can be reorganized. While it may feel so entrenched, it is not as solid as it appears. Even if your early environment was one of consistent empathic failure, developmental trauma, and insecure attachment, it is never too late. The wild realities of neuroplasticity and the courage of the human heart is unstoppable and an erupting force of creativity.

Through new relational experiences – with a therapist, a lover, a friend, a baby; or with a star, a deer, a tree, a sunset, or with the moon, it will be revealed that love is the basis of all neural circuitry. It is the substance which forms the neurons and their synapses, and lights up the cells in your heart in a fresh moment of warmth, presence, and kindness. Each time you meet and attune to another, receive their love, return it with your presence, simultaneously staying close with the “other” within you, a new world is born.

As long as there is breath moving in and out, you can update the narrative. You can make new meaning of your life, explore the depths of the heart in a new way, make a new commitment to the miracle of the here and now, and learn to flood your immediate experience with presence, warmth, and acceptance. Slowly, over time, you can embed your neural circuitry with the new pathway of holding awareness.

No matter what is happening in your life, you can start right now. In this moment. There is only ever this moment. The opportunity for reorganization is always here and wired within you. Don’t give up. Love will never give up on you.

Photo: by Lilia Alvarado

A Healing Space… reflections on love and the intimacy of immediate experience

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